


But It's Never Goodbye

by Zelinxia



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Epistolary, Grief/Mourning, Letters, M/M, Major Spoilers, Post-Canon, Tags Contain Spoilers, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 14:31:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17082089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zelinxia/pseuds/Zelinxia
Summary: Eiji continues to write letters to Ash. He's not sure why, but he needs to.





	But It's Never Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! Thank you for checking out my first fic for Banana Fish fandom. I came up with this poignant idea back in August, and now that I am on break from grad school, I finally finished it just in time for the finale (are we still alive???)
> 
> Please do not read if you have not read or seen the ending! Knowledge of _Garden of Light_ is not necessary but helpful.
> 
> Title is from Vienna Teng's ["Goodnight New York"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FClE1oJ3XOo)

Dear,

o-o-o

Ash,

I am 

sorry…

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

I am so sorry I am so sorry I am so sorry I am so sorry

More than anything, I…

o-o-o

Ash,

I had to see you again. I had to come to New York. I do not know what worse. Seeeing you… like that. Or seeing. I think I see you smiling. How?

How could you be happy?

No. Writing that hurt. I cannot. ~~How could you be happy but I am not.~~

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

I must disobey you again. I am staying here. Ibe-san goes back alone.

But I will stay with Max. And Jessica and Michael. Knowing you, you would be happy Michael lives.

I can’t leave you, Ash. I left you before. And now…

o-o-o

_Ash,_  
_This is not fair_  
_I am so mad._  
_I hate Yut-lung. Never want to see him again_  
_I hate Sing’s brother. I hate them so much._  
_But you know what?_

 _I hate_ my self  
I should not have  
I am angry at myself _I am angry at myselfI am angry at myself angryatmyself I ammyself_

o-o-o

Ash,

It was me, wasn’t it.

My letter killed you.

But. Look at me now. I am still writing. For what?

My letters won’t bring you back.

Maybe you are right. Maybe I am a masokist.

I cannot help it. I still have not stopped crying.

~~I do not think I will ever stop.~~

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

I think I know now what you mean when you said you do not feel anything about Cape Cod.

I am here again with Max. To see your father again. Max wants something.

I find out it is about the house you and your brother grew up in.

Your father does not want anything to do with that house. I cannot believe I am writing this. I agree with how he feels.

I mean. This isn’t my home. It should not be. Yet…

Max wants to keep this house. I think it is because he still wants to protect your brother. And you. I can feel it.

Max makes two set of keys. He says I should get the spare ones.

He says that you would have wanted me to keep this place.

I don’t like this at all. This place is full of sadness for you. Your family. We did enjoy fishing and using your gun.

But, even I cannot feel happiness. I feel nothing.

I’m sorry, Ash.

I’m so sorry…

o-o-o

Ash,

I’m sorry.

I guess that is all I keep saying. Sorry.

Really. Sorry…

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

I do not want to leave. I fought as much as I can. But my tourist visa ended.

I have to go back to Japan tomorrow.

I will be back. I promise, didn’t I? It was always wrong for me to say “Sayonara” to New York.

I want to come back as soon as I can. No matter how long it takes me.

This is all I can do.

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

I am back. It took me a long time than I wanted. But after three years, I am finally back.

I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?

I miss you. So much. There was never a day I did not think of you.

Hopeless, am I not?

o-o-o

Ash,

The reason it took me so long to come back was because I needed to build skills so I can find work over here.

I decided to stick to photography. I took some classes at the university. Ibe-san helped me find work.

Ibe-san didn’t sound happy when I told him I have been researching and working hard to get a working visa. I cannot tell him my true plans yet.

But. I am here in New York. I got help from Max. Thanks to him, I have an internship at Newsweek.

This internship won’t last long. I need all the luck and prayers to stay here. With everyone here.

With you.

o-o-o

Ash,

Ever since I have come back, I have been living in Chinatown. Sing was the one who said that I must.

I admit. I do not know if I should live here. Cape Cod. Now Chinatown. It is full of sadness.

But Sing yelled at me. In broken Japanese. _“You belong here!”_

Ash, Sing is a nice boy. I wonder if Shorter is out there, proud of him.

I still think about Shorter, Ash. How…

I’m sorry. Shorter and you, because of me…

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

I’m so sorry for the messy letter.

I stopped and just cried. And fell asleep. Nadia woke me up later and gave me some hot wonton soup.

Nadia? She’s alright. I decided to help her at the restaurant. She told me, I am a good cook. Better than Shorter.

Tonight, wonton soup is on us. Please enjoy.

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

“No… You are not Ash. I am mistaken…”

I say this over and over again to all the men with light hair.

I keep seeing you.

I keep hoping it is really you.

That it was all a mean joke.

But none of them is Ash. Only you are Ash. I know. Because I saw you at the funeral. I always know if it’s you or not.

I wish I don’t. I wish I didn’t see you three years ago. Then I can go on seeing you are alive.

Anything. ANYTHING but this.

o-o-o

12 August

Dear Ash,

Happy Birthday.

Today, I went by Staten Island and bought two hotdogs. Yes, I even kept the mustard. It is still nasty.

Max asked me if I wanted to visit you. I said, “No.”

It has been. How long now? I don’t want to know. 

I did not eat the second hot dog. I saved it for you.

It is custom to have a photo of you at an altar. But forgive me… I don’t have any.

~~I cannot look at my photos of you.~~

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

There is something I never got to tell you. When we slept together in the same room, I knew when you had bad dreams.

I wake up after you. I hear you breathe hard.

Or, I hear you crying out for your mother.

I wanted to protect you. I wished I could hold you. But I did not. I pretended to be sleeping.

Ash… I confess this to you because I have bad dreams lately. So scary I cannot even write it down.

I am sure Sing knows. In the morning, he looks sad.

He tells me to talk to him.

I say nothing. I ignore him.

I feel. That writing letters is the only way I can talk.

I am so selfish. Putting a weight on you… But I do not want that on Sing. Of all people.

I hate being a weight.

I am tired of being nothing but a weight.

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

I have wonderful news.

I received my green card. That is right Ash, I no longer have to leave New York. I can move out, too.

Ibe-san was not happy when I told him how I hoped to stay in America.

He said, “Does this mean. After all this time, you are still thinking about Ash?”

I am grateful for Ibe-san. But he’s an idiot.

Of course I still think of you, Ash. I always will.

Green card… green like your eyes. I believe.

I never got to say this. But your eyes are beautiful. Your mother gave you a pretty middle name.

…I’m starting to forget how green your eyes look. This is –

I don’t want to forget. What next? The sound of your voice? I can still remember how you sound.

I don’t want to forget. I don’t want to forget.

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

## ///\\\\\//\\\/////

Ah! Sorry for the smudge. This is Buddy’s responsibility.

Buddy? He is a puppy I just got. Poor guy. I found him abandoned in a trash bin. He was so quiet. But somehow, I knew had I had to search it.

Ash, who would do this to a baby animal? I cannot forgive whoever did this to Buddy.

My life is now busier with him. Someone has to raise him. That someone is me!

## //\\\\\//\\\////\//

(Buddy, no!)

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

Once again, I am back in Cape Cod. This time, I brought along Sing, Buddy and Akira.

Akira? She is Ibe-san’s niece. I invited her to America to get away from her troubles at home in Japan. I am worried about her happiness.

I think you would like her. She also shares the same name as you. Akira means “dawn”

I am not sure why, but something in her reminds me of you. It may also be she reminds me of who I was more than seven years ago.

Hurt. But full of life and light. And some sense of hope.

Hey Ash… I think tonight. I will open up the photos I locked a way a long, long time ago.

o-o-o

A.  
Ash,

You were happy. We were so happy.

Why… Why?

o-o-o

Dear Ash,

No…

Dear Aslan,

Today I debut my own private gallery.

Today, you are the hidden star.

I know you have trouble and pain being the subject of photography all of your life. I hope you are okay with my photo of you I have chosen to show to all of New York.

My fans and critics have described my work as “tenderness”. Where I show both light and darkness.

Maybe all this time, my true gift was photography. It was all because of you Aslan. In you, I found an inspiration, and so, so much more.

I wish I could show you to New York and the world who you are while you lived. I wish so much it still hurts. But all I can do is share my precious photos from our time together.

I don’t tell the meanings. Let people decided for themselves. But if it was not clear, Aslan. I wanted to tell you so much…

You belonged in the light. Not just darkness like you said.

You belonged in both words equally.

Do you remember? Many years ago, I held you as you cried. I told you, you are hurt.

You were always human. Not a monster or a leopard. And you asked me to stay by your side, if only for a short time. Well Aslan, my answer then is the same.

My answer is always. Will always be…

(愛してる)

Forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for trudging through to suffer more heartache and tears with me! I cried writing this. Eiji's words and tenderness kills me.
> 
> I had several songs I listened to while writing this, but two that were important are [Aimer's "Words"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssFQhc4C8vc) ([translation here](https://dreamslandlyrics.blogspot.com/2014/01/aimer-words-lyrics.html?m=1)) and [True's "Letter"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJzBwxYHA_I) from the anime Violet Evergarden).


End file.
